Hey! I want to preface this entry by saying that it’s a little… Depressing. I don’t know that anyone would be super concerned or anything, but I am doing just fine. I consider myself lucky to have as many amazing people in my life as I do.
This post is just something that I think about, from time to time, you know? Maybe it’s just my age, but relationships and human nature fascinate me. No matter what you believe, based on where we began, where our race originated – be it primates or the hands of a higher being – it’s truly amazing the way that we’ve come to interact with one another. Our truths, our lies and our secrets.
To me, anyway.
So please don’t leave this page feeling down or pessimistic. It’s not my intention. I’m not trying to change the world; I’m just observing it.
It’s beautiful to watch, really.
To watch it all fall.
Everything, I mean.
I feel small here, in front of the flames. I don’t understand the way they burn and flicker. The way they slowly devour the world around them. Their beautiful and effortless dance as they grow in size.
The visible heat.
Here one second and gone the next in an amazing and wondrous fusion of highly advanced physics and simple nature.
I used to think I was a very trusting person, but I’ve come to realize that I’m not. Is that selfish? I really can’t remember when it started or when I changed.
I find myself involved in so many distasteful conversations lately. Casual conversations in which the words that fall from wagging tongues – including my own – disgust me. I blame myself for this, of course, for I am responsible for determining who becomes a part of my life. I consider myself fortunate to have the ability to select the people that I keep in my life.
But now I find that I question some of those decisions.
The fire grows; engulfing twigs and branches as it reaches higher for the sky. It’s greedy and without purpose, erasing and belittling the years invested in the lives of the downed trees. Trunks of solidified energy, now nothing but fuel for an unnecessary flame under the hot, falling summer sun.
I find that, in general, people are fickle, erratic and frightened. Myself included, of course. We all want to be liked, but on so many occasions we’re too afraid of appearing inadequate in comparison to others that we become subconsciously unpleasant to speak with. I want to have friends and I want others to enjoy my company, but I don’t want to feel required to resort to trash-talking or bragging as a means to maintain interest. Why is it that we feel so compelled to put down others? Nice people, I mean. Good people. Are we wired this way? Is it in our nature? Or are we raised into insecurity and fear – instability and self-born inadequacy – that prevents us from being true to ourselves in the presence of others? Do you understand what I mean?
I hear the voices around me, agitated through the flames and distorted by the heat. Fed into the fire and regurgitated as ashes. Released into the air to be shared with everyone.
So I listen. I lay quietly, legs crossed and arms behind my head.
And then the ashes fall.
And it all comes down.
I used this recipe for the ciabatta, and, quite frankly, it’s amazing. I am, however, hesitant to re-post it here because the directions (and videos!) on Susan’s blog, Wild Yeast, are so perfectly detailed that it wouldn’t be fair to her or you for me to truncate them as I often do. So please, head on over and make yourself some ciabatta. Your friends will surely appreciate the generous yield of this recipe!
I toasted mine then slathered it with homemade peanut butter and topped it sliced bananas. This is one of my favorite foods!