Rant – {Funfetti Cake with Strawberry Buttercream}

“She hates us.”

I’d been focused on the sidewalk, but her words caught my attention. I looked up.

There was a sneer on her face, and the curt words had fallen from her mouth in a slur of Pabst and desperation. She clung to her boyfriend’s arm like a leech with her free hand, nodding in my direction and seeking approval in his hazy eyes.

“Her? HA!”


The exchange was still registering as I heard their laughter billowing and growing more distant behind me; transforming into a salted wind and destined for ancient verbal lashes spread over my back.

You know, I was barely aware of the group before she opened her mouth, but having made the mistake of looking in her direction: things changed.

Now it’s my turn to crack the whip.

Dear Girl,

For starters, I don’t hate you. I don’t know you, and, in my mind, that’s kind of integral for being able to hate a person.

But now that you mention it, I do hate your attitude. And your too-tall heels. And that scrap of fabric you’re trying to pretend you’re confident enough to pass off as a dress. Oh, and the way that all of those things together make you walk like and look like some kind of awkward robot prostitute. Yeah. Chew on that.

I can hate those things because I’ve seen them all before. After all, as college-aged girls, aren’t we’re expected to be generic, too-skinny, catty, and drunk all day e’ry day? And if it’s expected, why not deliver? Why let the people down? Why be anything more when you can just be rude, completely superficial and altered?

No, girl, I don’t hate you. I hate that your existence, which you’ve thrown off track by “drinking the Kool-aid/Jungle Juice,” makes the world look down on the rest of the girls in our age group that aren’t like you. I hate knowing that all the jerks I knew as a kid probably haven’t changed at all and just grew up to be nothing more than slightly taller jerks… Just like you.


I hate that, for some reason, you choose to associate with people that think it’s important to be envied – and even more so to point it out to others.

No – wait a minute. This isn’t hate. This is pity. Yes, girl. You see, I don’t hate you at all. I pity you.

I pity you because you assume that I – someone who has never even interacted with you – hates you just because we crossed paths. I pity you because you’ve given yourself reason to believe that someone who doesn’t know you AT ALL would hate you. For no reason.

I pity you because you’ve chosen to live the life you have.

Cordially,

The Completely Unassuming Average-Looking Chick That Walked Past You on Saturday Night

I admit: this is all very wrong. It’s wrong of me to pity her. It’s wrong to be up on my soap box here, verbally beating on her and laying on the judgement.

I’m not taking the high road, but I’m so tired of this crap that, frankly, it’s gotten to the point that I’ve got to say something.

And just what am I saying? Well, guys and gals, I’m looking at this like a PSA. Not that I’ve got much swing in our culture, but I just want to say: don’t be that girl.

Go out there and make waves, but don’t live your life in a way that makes you believe people would have reason to hate you without even speaking to you. It blows my mind to think anyone ever would. Honestly: wear what you want and do what you want, but if you’re any extreme of insecure or self-absorbed and you think that what you’re doing makes you any lesser or any better than others, you need to get a grip on things.

Change your perspective.

Make yourself better.

You’ll be happier for it and others will too.


Funfetti Cake with Strawberry Buttercream
No matter what kind of girl you are now, I’m sure you went crazy for funfetti cake frosted with pink buttercream when you were a kid.  So let’s play nice and eat some cake.  Smile and be friendly, dangit. 

Funfetti Cake via Sweetapolita
Pay careful attention to the method for preparing this cake, and also to the division of the milk.  It’s not your typical cake!

Thanks to the bizarre method, this cake is extremely fluffy.  The almond flavor is perfect in it and I suggest that you do not leave it out. 

1 c milk (237 ml), divided and at room temp
4 egg whites (120 grams), room temp
1 egg, room temp
2 tsps vanilla
1/2 tsp almond extract (I prefer emulsion)
3 c (350 g) cake flour, sifted
1 1/2 c sugar (300 g)
1 Tbsp + 1 tsp baking powder
3/4 tsp salt
6 Tbsp (85 g) butter, cubed and at room temp
6 Tbsp (85 g) vegetable shortening
1/2 c rainbow sprinkles

Preheat the oven to 350F (180C) and oil and line two 8″ pans.  Set aside.

In a medium bowl, combine 1/4 c of the milk, egg whites, egg, vanilla and almond extract.  Set aside.

Place the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt in the bowl of your mixer fitted with the paddle attachment.  Combine on low speed for 30 seconds.

Add the butter and shortening and blend on low for 30 seconds.  Add the remaining 3/4 c of milk and mix until just moistened.  Scrape down the sides of the bowl and beat on medium-high speed for 1 and a half minutes.

Scrape down the sides of the bowl and add one third of the egg/milk mixture.  Beat on medium for 20 seconds, then scrape down the bowl and add the remaining egg/milk mix in the same way.  Fold in the rainbow sprinkles.

Divide the batter into your prepared pans and bake 25-30 minutes until a toothpick inserted into the center of the cake comes out clean.  Be very careful not to overbake!

Cool cakes in their pans on a rack for ten minutes, then remove from pans and wrap well with cling film.  Place in the fridge to cool.

Quick Strawberry Jam
If you’ve got strawberry jam in your fridge, by all means – use it.  If not, do this!

1 Tbsp water
1 Tbsp cornstarch
1 c (150 g) chopped strawberries
2 Tbsp sugar

Combine the water and cornstarch in a cool saucepan.  Whisk until no lumps remain, then add the remaining ingredients.  Cook over medium-low heat, stirring frequently, until very thick and no water remains.  Immediately press through a fine mesh sieve and allow to cool.

Boiled Frosting via Baked: New Frontiers in Baking
This frosting has replaced Swiss Meringue as my go-to.  It’s much fluffier and a lot quicker to make than meringue style buttercreams!

1 1/2 c (300 g) sugar
1/3 c (47 g) all-purpose flour
1 1/2 c (155 ml) milk
1/3 c (78 ml) heavy cream
1 1/2 c (355 g) butter, room temp and cubed
1 tsp vanilla
Strawberry Jam
Pink food coloring

Combine the sugar and flour in a cool saucepan.  Stir in the milk and cream, then set the pan over medium heat.  Stirring frequently, cook the mixture until quite thick, 10-15 minutes.

Remove the pan from heat and pour the mixture into the bowl of your mixer.  Fit with the paddle attachment and whip on high speed until the outside of the bowl is cool to the touch, about fifteen minutes.

When the bowl is coo, add the butter all at once and whip on high speed until very light and fluffy.  Add the vanilla and whip to combine, then begin adding the jam, spoonful by spoonful, being careful not to add so much that the buttercream becomes soupy.  Add pink food coloring, if desired.

Need help with assembly?  Check out this guide to assembling a layer cake and this guide to frosting a layer cake.

Comments

  1. says

    I only very recently found out about funfetti cake (I'm 23, so this makes me feel sad about my childhood!) and now I'm dying to make one! This looks amazing :)

  2. says

    Long-time reader, first time commenter. I needed to read something like this post today. I'm in a back-to-basics mood lately, and similar thoughts cross my mind often – it's refreshing to see that honesty (paired with a scrumptious cake recipe!).

  3. says

    &quot;don&#39;t live your life in a way that makes you believe people would have reason to hate you without even speaking to you&quot;. This is very simple and sensible advice. I think some people are proud to be someone worthy of hating which to me just seems so bizarre. I&#39;m glad you thought and wrote about this rather than just letting it slip away with all the other grubby parts of life.<

  4. says

    This is a gorgeous cake, I have been looking for something to make for my daughter&#39;s first birthday, i think this is the one!!!<br /><br />Thank you

  5. says

    Love this post, excellent open letter to random bitchy girl. I don&#39;t get why random girl would think you hate her? Too much booze probably. <br /><br />Awesome cake too. Loving that it is four layers, I yearn to make towering cakes!

  6. says

    I had to read your narrative over a few times because I was confused. I just could not believe that someone, drunk or not, would act this way. I thought they would just be too self-absorbed to notice others. I suppose this elevates, or rather, lowers individuals to a level even lower than that of a narcissist. I&#39;m sort of surprised that she could even walk on those heels and talk at the same

    • says

      Right? I was completely baffled after it happened. I kept thinking, &quot;… Did that really just happen?&quot; It made absolutely no sense at all :/<br /><br />Thanks so much – you&#39;re very sweet!

  7. says

    Good rant! What is it with random people assuming they know you, or what you&#39;re thinking, or that it&#39;s ok to pass comments. Ridiculous.<br /><br />If she saw this post she might hate *you* though. For being such an awesome baker and making such an incredible looking cake :-)

  8. says

    First of all.. .there is NOTHING average about you! Secondly, the cake looks most D..freaking..licioius! I&#39;ve given up all hope of ever fitting into my skinny jeans again! How about we all must make a pact to make sweats and baggy shirts the latest trend? I&#39;m in!

  9. says

    I&#39;ve recently been feeling a bit mopey that I live in such a tired town where there is not much to do, but you&#39;ve reminded me that I&#39;m just missing out on a lot of annoying BS.<br /><br />If I never see / meet another trashy girl like this – the same kind of girl who likes to ask if she can &quot;go in the bathroom with you *giggle giggle giggle*&quot; at the bar, that&#39;s fine with

    • says

      Generally, the people here are wonderful, but the crazies certainly stick out. I bet you know what I&#39;m talking about! <br /><br />I&#39;m with you though – I&#39;ve met my quota!

  10. Marc D says

    As to the girl, I give you my favorite Shakespeare quote: &quot;If the enemy is a fool and a knave and a prating coxcomb, is it meet, look you, that we also, think you now, should be a fool and a knave and a prating coxcomb, in your conscience now?&quot; which I loosely translate into modern as: &quot;If Johnny Finnegan jumped off the Empire State Building I suppose you would have to jump off it

  11. says

    As the mother of a 19 year old, I thank you for acknowledging that &quot;girls&quot; like that give our sex a bad name. I am raising an individual and she thinks that the scene you have described is &quot;pathetic&quot;. Thanks Whisk Kid!

  12. Karin says

    Whisk Kid- you rock! I always look forward to recieving and trying out your fabulous recipes and- I can&#39;t wait to try this one out! I would however, like to make it in the form of cupcakes so that I can more easily share the deliciousness with my friends at work. Can you tell me what the baking conversion time would be for this in a cupcake form?

    • says

      I&#39;m thrilled you&#39;re so excited about the recipe! Just fill the liners 1/2 – 2/3 full and start checking them after 16ish minutes :)

  13. says

    Ha, you speak your mind and why shouldn&#39;t you?! If you&#39;re anything like me – if you&#39;d tried to say all that to that girl at the time it probably wouldn&#39;t have come out half so eloqently or concisely. So from this normal 32 year old who lives in jeans and flats, hold your head high for all the normal girls out there (and here!)<br /><br /><br /><br />x

    • says

      Oh gosh – that&#39;s so true. When I was finally able to wrap my head around it all, she was looooooong gone. I&#39;m glad I&#39;m too timid to go off on someone like that. I would have looked just as bad as she made herself look :P

  14. says

    Not all insecure girls who think that they are lesser than most feel the need to lash out at others. Just thought I&#39;d throw that out there. I&#39;m a girl that&#39;s quite the opposite of the hard-partying, scantily clad type, but I don&#39;t like myself all the same. I think mostly because I&#39;ve been bullied or had &quot;jokes&quot; about my appearance thrown my way far too often.

    • says

      Oh! I know – I didn&#39;t mean to imply that. I&#39;m not very confident myself, which is why chicks like this make me so angry. I got teased a LOT in high school by other kids and it&#39;s left me kinda… Yeah. I&#39;m not big on this kinda girl. <br /><br />Anyway, I totally see how it read that way and I apologize for the miscommunication.

    • says

      Oh okay, that&#39;s good to know! Thanks so much for clarifying. I got teased a lot in middle school and high school too, so I know where you&#39;re coming from. I don&#39;t see why some people feel the need to make hurtful comments about others. Clearly it does no good, as both you and I (and many others) know as the recipients of such comments. :(

  15. says

    I really enjoyed your rant. I think my favorite part was the &quot;awkward robot prostitute.&quot; I&#39;m so glad that you&#39;re sharing these experiences. College can be fun, but there are some ridiculous people you will meet along the way. <br /><br />Oh and awesome cake! And how in the world do you get such a perfect slice for the pictures? Mine always get demolished.

    • says

      Thank you! I&#39;m glad someone appreciated that line. I considered removing it but, after thinking about it, I knew SOMEONE was going to like it as much as I did :P <br /><br />For the cake slices, I always use a serrated knife and I clean it completely before each slice. Usually does the trick! Where I struggle, however, is getting a straight slice. So often I get cakes with the WEIRDEST

  16. Tess says

    Very true. Some people need a reality check. Right in the FACE<br /><br />But seriously I loved this. Keep up the great posts.

  17. Anonymous says

    The cake is beautiful. I can&#39;t wait to try this. As for that young woman, I hope for her that she learns that having people love you makes for a much happier life. No one ever had a happy life because a lot of people hated or were envious of them.<br />I love your work and I think you are lovely. Thank you for sharing your creative art with us!

  18. Anonymous says

    I am making your rainbow cake for my daughter&#39;s birthday this weekend. How do you think your new fave — the flour-based frosting — would do with it? I think I read somewhere that the flour frostings need to be eaten the same day they are made. What has been your experience? Thanks.

  19. says

    I hope you feel better, whisk kid. (:<br /><br />I&#39;ve been looking for funfetti cake recipe and I also come across Sweetapolita&#39;s recipe. You&#39;re so pro. I couldn&#39;t make it as pretty as yours.<br /><br />May all the drama queens in the world be vaporize~

  20. says

    Beautiful cake and love the story/letter! She seemed to want to think you were jealous of her (thus care enough to &quot;hate&quot; her) when in all reality she should obviously be jealous of you and your fantastic talents :D

  21. says

    Here, here! Honestly, that is all I can think to say. I think you really captured what it&#39;s like to be a girl in college. It&#39;s hard and confusing and can make you question everything you thought you knew about yourself. The only thing that will fix any problem is being Y-O-U. I wish everyone could see and accept that. Thanks for the great post, and the delicious looking cake!

  22. Paula says

    Love the story, love the cake! Will probably bake it for my niece&#39;s first birthday!<br />As for the pathetic girl that crossed your path, I honestly feel sorry for her. I graduated from college 10 years ago, and looking back at that time I realize how little I knew about life, love and self-respect, and how much I regret having done so many things that I did, only to impress my so-called &

  23. Oma says

    Haha I think we are the same age – im a junior at college right now<br /><br />I work as an RSA – resident security aid – those people who check your ID&#39;s at the dorm. I deal with a lot of falling down drunk girls…annoying. Also, as an architecture student I&#39;m often the on walking home with a backpack on while everyone else is out partying. NOT FUN. <br /><br />I do have my own fun

  24. says

    Hi there! I am making this cake next weekend for my niece&#39;s 4th birthday. Does the batter fill two 8-in pans nicely? What pans did you use for the 4-layer cake in the photo, or did you double the recipe?

    • says

      Hi, Amanda! When I made this cake, I actually made .75 of the recipe and filled two 6&quot; pans with it. I halved both of them to make 4 layers.

  25. Anonymous says

    what sprinkles did you use for the cake? and where did you get them from? they&#39;re gorgeous!

  26. says

    This cake looks amazing. I think the strawberry frosting would be a nice complement to the cake. Your story was interesting and it is very unfortunate people act like that. I do have to say I have a thing for too-high heels though :)

  27. says

    Kaitlin, I love this cake … and I love your voice! I don&#39;t know how I found my way here, exactly, but I&#39;ll look forward to reading more. (For some reason, I have become strangely addicted to strawberry-flavored things of late …) <br /><br />I share your contempt (er, pity? whatever) for people who feel they need to put other people down in order to feel better about themselves.

  28. Anonymous says

    i really love this recipe,like most of the recipes you share with us,thanks a lot for that;<br />may i ask you something?<br />i m living in a hot and humid place(on an island),and i would like to try your boiled frosting recipe;do you think it will hold well?<br />thanks for helping a novice who has a loooot to learn!!

  29. Anonymous says

    Hello! :DD How much boiled frosting does this recipe yield? It&#39;s because I&#39;d like to make a dozen or so cupcakes but I wouldn&#39;t like to make too much. Thank you! :DD

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